Alienated

You know what I realized recently, not that it needed discovery, my depression started long before. Like years ago. little by little, year after year, month after month, with everything happening to me and my life it just added another layer on top of it. Making me drown. Making it so deep that I can't cut through it anymore. All I do now is to keep my mind busy to just forget how messed up I'm. 

When I'm like this I'm not fun to be around anymore. So there would be no emotional bond to create. When I'm with my friends it's kinda manageable cause it's a limited time. But otherwise it's not. that's why I've heard that I'm cold not understanding. Emotionally I'm not there and I seem like asshole that I don't have sympathy and fuck all...... 

And even my heartbeark is due to this. Why? Why should I suffer? Did I choose to be like this? Did I have any damn option?

...

Well, fuck it. I don't care anymore and anger does no favor. Whatever...