Alienated

Wanna tear up these handful of pages from my book of life. I wanna press the reset button. To wake up at the times when I was just a teen. When dad was present. When everything, although looked on the blink of breaking down but seemed like there was a chance; a chance to be better. To make things easier. Where I still could think of wishing. Where I still had high hopes. When still I was not too much of a mess to handle. When I seemed reversible, rather changeable. To shape myself up into a better man, a better family member, a better friend, a better loner who can be on his own, and not decaying under the weight of his thoughts. Who can learn how to produce good nourishment healthy beliefs. Who can root solid pillars for the character he wants to be for his life. To prevent him from all the upcoming sorrows. To avoid all the crushing weight of shame and guilt that's gonna pile up to suffocate him. Wish I could be back there to lay a path that just doesn't end up in becoming me, this scared undeveloped decayed and unwilling to change version of me. Just to not be me. This me.