101

امشب دلم پیله کرده به کسی بگم دورت بگردم.

کسی نیست. پس اینجا نوشتم.

100: still

You know that feeling when you trip and you're going to fall, that moment between which you know you're gonna drop but you can't do anything?

I'm in that exact moment but the difference is it has been years and I'm still falling. I'm still in the air. I'm stil in no control. I'm still forced to watch myself falling and fucking up things yet I don't do anything to prevent it to save myself. I'm still falling. I'm stiil drowning.

99

In the end, I think I understand it. It was obvious. All the things that are wrong with me, all my problems, all the fucked up nights I try to survive and all the soul-crushing days I endure and suffer... all of them have one source and one reason:

I deeply hate myself.

98

I don't find any reason to be down and yet I'm not in the mood. Feels like I'm used to being unhappy, drowned and depressed. 

97

بحثِ از سر لج تموم کردن و ثابت کردن چیزی به خودت یا آدما نیست. دیگه حتی بحث اخرین صدا زدن برای کمک گرفتن و مثل همیشه نشنیده شدنت هم نیست.

بحث سر اینه خیلی وقته که دیگه خسته شدی. دیگه اون ۵درصد آخرت هم دود شده هوا. بحث اینه که میخوای هر چی که هست هر جوری که بوده تموم شه.

بخوابی و تموم شه. وقتی اینجوری میگم کمک نمیخوام توجه و مراقبت و نگرانی هم نمیخوام. لازمشون ندارم. فقط میخوام بگم بسه. واقعا بسه. دیگه نمیکشه. کفگیر خیلی وقته خورده ته دیگ. کاش میشد خوابید و تموم شد. کاش میشد بیدار شد و دیگه نه بشناسنت نه بشناسیشون. کاش میشد خوابید و همه چی رو فراموش کرد.

96

این حجم از پس زدن لحظه‌ی حال، فرار از قبول شرایط زندگی و نپذیرفتن اون‌چه که هست همونجوری که هست، احمقانه، نابود کننده و زهرمارکننده‌ی زندگیه.

با گذشت زمان هنوز اثر فکرام روی حالم به همون قوت باقیه.

95: Abyss

هر چند وقت یه بار مثل اینکه باد پرده رو بزنه کنار، متوجه خیل عظیم از سیاهی غم نفرت و کجی‌هایی می‌شم که توی پستوهای وجودم دارن برای خودشون زندگی می‌کنن و میترسم.

از اینکه عمق این ظلمت چقدره و اینکه قراره کِی سیل بشه و همین خرده ریزی که از من مونده رو تو خودش ببلعه.

94: no longer human

I think this is the furthest away I can be from a healthy human being.

Blankness.

93

Is there any way to estimate how long one's depression goes

It's getting too boring and repetitive. 

92

Well, at the end of the day, I have to accept I'm depressed. I don't think it is a severe one cause I still go to work and half-assed it, and I don't curl up like a baby and cry all day long. It's safe to say I almost don't remember when I was motivated or had passion or even any emotion about anything. And I mean even sad ones. I just don't get to feel any of them, bad or good.

My cope mechanism is just not doing anything and sleep. It's a way to temporarily forget it but soon or later you gotta wake up in the morning. And here we go again. Same misery on a loop you can't escape. Another day and I have to drag myself through it just to get home. Lay down and at the best entertain some ideas in my head as to what should I do to make it better but they remain as ideas. Is it laziness to stay like this? Actually I don't have much remorse against not doing anything anymore. I feel bad about being stuck it makes it damn harder sometimes but I don't deliberately beat myself up about it. Cause I know it's, not intentional and I'm not in a healthy situation and the last thing I need is another negative voice.

My daily life is not helping either. I just don't have enough energy to take care of myself and my situation just sucks. I don't shower I don't clean my room and acnes came back. When you know it's bad but you just can't help it makes it even more of a mess.

I need to take care of myself.