107

You know what I realized recently, not that it needed discovery, my depression started long before. Like years ago. little by little, year after year, month after month, with everything happening to me and my life it just added another layer on top of it. Making me drown. Making it so deep that I can't cut through it anymore. All I do now is to keep my mind busy to just forget how messed up I'm. 

When I'm like this I'm not fun to be around anymore. So there would be no emotional bond to create. When I'm with my friends it's kinda manageable cause it's a limited time. But otherwise it's not. that's why I've heard that I'm cold not understanding. Emotionally I'm not there and I seem like asshole that I don't have sympathy and fuck all...... 

And even my heartbeark is due to this. Why? Why should I suffer? Did I choose to be like this? Did I have any damn option?

...

Well, fuck it. I don't care anymore and anger does no favor. Whatever...

106

میشینم دوساعت حرف میزنم باهاش. گوش میدم. همدردی میکنم. میفهممش و آخرش هم بهش مشاوره میدم که چجوری باهم کنار بیان و هوای همو داشته باشن. و نمیدونه وسط همه‌ی این حرفا دلم پیش خودشه. که حسرتش باهامه.که پشیمونم برای از دست دادن فرصتم.

همینه که هست. این خودکرده‌ی بدون تدبیر منه.

105

این روزا گرچه خیلی فرقی ندارن با روزای قبل، دارم مدام به کتاب اکهارت تول، تمرین نیروی حال گوش میدم. از طاقچه با صدای نیما رئیسی. فک میکنم بیشتر از ۲۰ یا ۳۰ساعت گوش دادمش. گرچه با گوش دادن نمیشه مطلبی رو قلبا بدست آورد ولی مثل لحظه‌های کوچیک روشنی میمونه که نور دلت رو تو این آشفته بازار زندگی قلقلک میده و میشه اون گوشه‌ی خلوت مخصوص خودت.

104

راستش خودمم دیگه نمیدونم دارم چه گ میخورم. قبلنا عمدتا بدبختی بود و غم. الان شده ترکیبی از نکبت و کثافت و بدبختی و رذالت.

103

هنوز هم دلم براش تنگ میشه. هنوز هم کنار کسی دیدنش آزاردهنده‌ست. آخراشه ولی، هنوز هم.

102

The more I hate myself, the more distant, cold, and asshole I seem to others. So it's not about me being selfish but me, indulging in my own self-hatred. 

101

امشب دلم پیله کرده به کسی بگم دورت بگردم.

کسی نیست. پس اینجا نوشتم.

100: still

You know that feeling when you trip and you're going to fall, that moment between which you know you're gonna drop but you can't do anything?

I'm in that exact moment but the difference is it has been years and I'm still falling. I'm still in the air. I'm stil in no control. I'm still forced to watch myself falling and fucking up things yet I don't do anything to prevent it to save myself. I'm still falling. I'm stiil drowning.

99

In the end, I think I understand it. It was obvious. All the things that are wrong with me, all my problems, all the fucked up nights I try to survive and all the soul-crushing days I endure and suffer... all of them have one source and one reason:

I deeply hate myself.

98

I don't find any reason to be down and yet I'm not in the mood. Feels like I'm used to being unhappy, drowned and depressed.